Today is Pancake Day. I don’t know why I capitalised that statement, but starting a blog with the words “Today is pancake day” didn’t look right, either. Nonetheless, let us swiftly progress from this rather shaky debate about capitalisation onto the safer turf of topics you might actually want to read about, by considering the implications of this most annual of events.
So it’s Pancake Day (I’m sticking with the capitalisation - deal with it). So what? Well, did you know that today is also Red Hand Day, when countries around the world petition their governments to abolish child soldiers? I bet you didn’t know that this is Darwin Day, when we are encouraged by academics to celebrate the achievements of Charles Darwin. In America, today is National Freedom to Marry Day – an unofficial celebration of same-sex marriages, which seems quite topical in the circumstances. Tomorrow is World Radio Day, this whole week is National Science and Engineering week, oh, and let’s not forget that Thursday is Valentine’s Day, looming over the oppressed masses of singletons and couples alike, and guilting us into spending money that could otherwise go towards something far more useful, like reducing our debts.
The remorseless over-saturation of national this days and world that days has become really quite tiresome. I am a vegetarian, and proud of it, but do I celebrate National Vegetarian Week? No, I don’t. Nor do I commemorate World Vegetarian Day, or Hug a Vegetarian Day (I’m not making this up), and don’t get me started on Veggie Month. Then we have that elite group of masochists known as vegans, who get their own day, week, month, and probably a commemorative clock as well. We might as well canonise the whole bloody lot of them.
You could argue that some causes require a national day of celebration/mourning/awareness/campaigning to heighten their profile, and if it’s a genuine campaign, I would grudgingly concur. I can just about tolerate Movember, despite the tackiness of it all, because it is trying to raise awareness of something genuinely awful, by encouraging men to be less blasé about their health. But National Beard Week? Really? One glorious website has taken such banalities to new heights, declaring February to be the home of – among others - National Pistachio Day, Create a Vacuum Day, National Battery Day (that’ll be a charged occasion) and even International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day. I would gladly take my hat off to the genius who came up with such concepts, but I’m not wearing a hat. Maybe I should buy one tomorrow? Or should I wait for National Hat Day? Would it be disrespectful to buy a hat on any other day, or is the hat industry so seasonally dependent on sales on National Hat Day that non-NHD sales are always welcome?
Of course, you don’t have to dig too deeply to discover the cold, clammy hand of a marketing person behind most of these orchestrated promotional campaigns. Setting aside charity-led days, most of these occasions are a tacky attempt to flog us crap we otherwise wouldn’t want. Bonfire Night has always been a vexatious occasion (blowing things up to celebrate a criminal who tried to blow things up), but now it’s been eclipsed by Halloween. Not because Halloween is a more noble occasion, or worthier of our celebrations, but because it’s easier to sell a wider variety of more easily manufactured garbage. Especially to children, and persuading children that they must have something is every marketing man’s wet dream (not in a Savile way, I hasten to add). Ultimately, it all comes down to how much money companies can squeeze out of us, and that explains the relentless paintball bombardment of sponsored days, weeks and months. Until Thursday, the shops will be crammed with Valentine’s Day tat, but on Friday morning, they’ll be furiously clearing the shelves in preparation for Mother’s Day marketing.
Which brings me to my Dragons Den-style bright idea. Why don’t we have a National Nothing Day? A day when nothing is celebrated, no-one is commemorated, nothing is championed and nobody is enticed to buy anything whatsoever. No overpriced tat in supermarkets, no pointless and extortionate cards, no need to pretend to care about something we don’t – it could be a day to remember for everyone who is as sick of all the other themed days as I am. Except I fear this particular day will never come.
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