Thursday 7 March 2013

Four words to choke upon

“I’ve got a cold.” Four little words that can mean so many things. Such is the variance in the way people define a “cold”, it can range from a slight sniffle through to the onset of flu, and from a two-day snotting session to the sort of festering, malevolent virus that infects its host for a full calendar month before gracelessly sloping off to ruin the life of some other poor bastard.

As you might have detected from that slight trace of bitterness, I have the latter type of cold. And as regular readers of this blog will both know, I’m not the friskiest bunny in the hutch at the best of times, so a four-week (and counting, don’t forget that bit) virus has been like a respiratory apocalypse. Thirty consecutive nights of sleeping sitting up (if at all), thirty consecutive days of thinking “I’ll be better tomorrow” and then not being…it’s enough to make you spit. The brightly coloured phlegm that you’ve just coughed up.

However, the cold itself is only part of the problem. Another, equally sizeable, piece of my misery jigsaw has been other people’s opinions on how to treat it. For instance, I have now seen three doctors about my clearly life-threatening condition. Doctor #1 gave me a nasal spray, of a type I subsequently discovered I could have bought over the counter. Over a week of twice-daily applications, it achieved precisely nothing. Doctor #2 rubbished doctor #1’s assessment that a nasal spray would ever work, and prescribed me a steroid inhaler that he claimed would refresh the parts other medications couldn’t reach. Sadly for him, I took a violent allergic reaction to it. Doctor #3, who I met in hospital while being treated for the damage doctor #2’s medication had inflicted on my nasal tissue, rubbished doctor #2’s prognosis, telling me that a steroid inhaler was inappropriate. Instead, what I really needed was another nasal spray, but not the weak and piddly type that doctor #1 had prescribed, and I don't know what she was thinking giving you that. Here’s something much stronger. This should sort you out. Has it? What do you think?

Now, it was only a month or so ago that I went on a long rant about the failings of the NHS, so I’m not going to flay that long-expired steed again. These doctors were merely giving me their opinions, and as every fule kno, opinions are like arseholes – everybody has one. In fact, doctors are like arseholes as well when they misdiagnose basic conditions and prescribe the wrong medication, but I digress. The sad truth is, everyone has an opinion on how to get over a cold, and most of them are wrong. The nice lady in the organic supermarket near my house recommended dissolving magnesium crystals in a bowl of boiling water, draping a towel over my head, and inhaling deeply for ten minutes twice a day. That didn’t work. A pharmacist told me Centrum would prevent me from catching colds in future. That really didn’t work. A loved one recommended a big glass of milk to cure a cough, but that didn’t work, because it merely increased my body’s production of the mucus I was already choking on. Numerous people online have recommended rubbing Vicks VapoRub onto the soles of my feet at night and then wearing socks to bed. I haven’t actually tried this one yet to vouch for whether or not it works, but I’m a touch sceptical. An old friend of mine once persuaded me to visit a holistic health centre and spend half an hour with my feet in a bucket of lightly bubbling water, in an attempt to draw out all the toxins and impurities in my body. Guess what? That didn’t fucking work either.

Perhaps I am now beyond medical help? Perhaps my body is so diseased and corrupted that it simply doesn’t respond to conventional medicines or treatments. Perhaps I’m suffering a slow collapse of my immune system (it certainly feels like it). Or perhaps I’m just lumbering under a really, really stubborn virus. Whatever the explanation, I can say one thing with absolute confidence - the word “cold” doesn’t do this evil infestation justice. This is more like repeated torture, with extra mucus. And a cough that could wake the dead. Which will surely be me if I’m not over this in a week’s time. If this should be my last blog post, think only this of me - my immune system is utter crap.

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