All killer, no filler

Let me preface my latest rage against the machine by saying that I have huge admiration for architecture as a profession, and architects as professionals. These extensively qualified and imaginative individuals can do great work. They can transform the aesthetics and desirability of some previously Godforsaken area that looks like it was featured in Children of Men, and is optimistically described in sales literature as being “up and coming” (i.e. the ceasefire’s still holding). Consider Anderston, Laurieston, the New Gorbals and Collegelands on the periphery of central Glasgow as four perfect case studies of architects working towards the greater good.

However, sometimes, architects waffle. And when they waffle, by God, they put all the holes in and smother it with ketchup. No stylistic reference is too obscure (hey, Jude), no crenellation too ornate, and no press release too pretentious. Consider this recent example of verbal diarrhoea, from the current design competition to choose Scotland’s new sporting performance centre:

“Meanwhile in Edinburgh it is Reiach & Hall who are assuming design honours, working in tandem with Heriot Watt University and City of Edinburgh Council to deliver a centre with a unique curving roof which arcs to trace the trajectory of Brazil’s Roberto Carlos’ goal against France in 1997.”

Now for those of you who didn’t see that particular goal in Le Tournoi at the time, it was an absolute screamer. It curved, it swerved, it harnessed astonishing technical prowess, and it made the French keeper Fabien Barthez look like a bit of a pillock. It’s well worth YouTubing. But it was a free kick, in a meaningless football tournament, on the telly, 16 years ago. Is anyone ever going to drive past Reiach & Hall’s building (assuming it gets constructed) and think “hmm, that roofline looks just like the arc of Roberto Carlos’s banana shot in Le Tournoi back in the 1990s”? I doubt it. I wouldn’t, and I reckon it was the second best goal I’ve ever seen. Plus I’ve been a property journalist for the last thousand years, so I’m quite good at spotting obscure architectural references in building designs.

I do appreciate that architects have to put spin (no pun intended) on their work. The firm in question are bidding against two other heavyweight design houses with rival proposals for Dundee and Stirling, so they need something to make their work stand out. But this? Really? Never mind the bollocks, here’s a stylish performance centre. Isn’t that enough?